A Stir

October 25, 2017.  It has been 10 weeks since we decided to pursue another adoption.

December 12, 2017.  It has been 3 weeks since I started the process of publishing a book.

I am amazed at how much has happened in that time.  I have sent emails requesting permission to include people, photos and lyrics in the book.  I’ve completed an author bio and a book description. I had a headshot taken and submitted it. I sent in my current manuscript and the photos I want to include. I have made choices for formatting. Selected my endorsement hopes. Sent in my tentative title. Read and reread my manuscript so many times I’m starting to wish it would go away and give me some space.

We’ve scheduled physical exams and blood test appointments. Had our fingerprints taken on New Year’s Day and then submitted them. Raised enough money for the home study. Completed a slew of documents, had them notarized and mailed them. Had a phone interview with the agency who will complete the home study. Prepared for and sat at two fundraiser Christmas bazaars. Collected and organized piles of items for a spring fundraiser garage sale. Filled out forms about every aspect of my parenting style and family life. Chosen references and humbly asked permission to give out their names and contact information.

Sat on stools with my husband in front of my church body for two services and shared about all that is happening in our lives right now. Had an interview for the local newspaper.

But in the midst of it all…dreamed and hoped and wished for a baby.  Longed for one so hard that I felt all squeezed tight and gaspy inside. I’m afraid to let myself anticipate it.

Whatever this is that is happening to us is new.  It’s so different that I don’t recognize it.  I stay at home and teach my kids and then retreat to my warm bath with a book.  I select my social engagements according to how much courage I can muster.  I sit on the fringes. I don’t do big things.  This “much ado” is bewildering. It makes me feel a bit like I’ve lost my grip.

Which is appropriate, I guess. Because I’ve committed to holding on to these two hopes loosely. The book. And the baby.

Wanna hear something funny? I had a dream about a week ago that I wrote another book.  The main character’s name was still printed across my imaginary page when I woke up.  Wimy Leavitt. What the heck…? I laughed out loud, one “HA!” after saying it to myself.  “Why ME??” And then in answer, “Leave it.”

God is doing something here. I can feel him moving like a dramatic shift in the light. Like everything has changed color.

I know exactly when it started.  The day we said “yes” to the email from Faith International. I have felt a thrilling stir ever since that day. Something is happening.

“Behold, I am doing a new thing; now it springs forth, do you not perceive it? I will make a way in the wilderness and rivers in the desert.” Isaiah 43:19

My name is Pam Ogden, and I’m a wife, mom, homeschool teacher, blogger, and an author. I am passionate about my faith, family and adoption. My blog is the story of our previous and current adoption, and how our family is growing physically and spiritually.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *