You aren’t going to believe me. I really wrestled with the decision to post this because I don’t want to destroy any credibility I might have earned here, but I decided it was such a powerful experience that it merited being included in my adoption story. You might close this out thinking I’m full of fantasy and false conclusions. That’s okay. Because it was very real to me. And it gave me a giddy hope that felt awesome.
Yesterday, Jason was praying that God would provide for the adoption. Specifically because we haven’t seen much progress there lately. In fact, both the book and the adoption are sort of at a standstill right now, while we wait on other people and processes. I am impatient.
I said in my last post that we have felt like something was happening. Something we can’t explain but we can certainly feel. There were a number of days last month that I had a surreal sensation that time was moving slowly. I looked at the clock expecting the day to be almost spent and found that I still had several hours to finish what needed to be done. The days just seemed to stretch on and on, and I felt extremely productive. If you’re a mom of five or more, you know that this just doesn’t happen. I didn’t understand it, but I was very thankful for it.
This morning we all slept late. I got out of bed at 7:45, and we need to leave at 8:00 to make it to church on time. My older girls had a cheer competition all day yesterday, and then I took my oldest to her school play in the evening. We were all exhausted. I decided to leave all the girls home, and take just the boys to church with me. We managed to wash, dress, brush teeth and hair, eat and get in the car in just twenty minutes, and as we pulled out of the driveway, I looked at the clock in the van and saw that it said 8:06. I told the boys that we had just enough time to make it.
We were about a mile away from home when I started feeling guilty for leaving my youngest daughter. She had dressed herself and was expecting to go, but her hair wasn’t brushed and she hadn’t eaten breakfast, so I convinced her to stay with her sisters. For some reason, my conscience was pricked driving away, and I made a split second decision to go back and get her, knowing it would make us late. I drove back to the house, ran inside, helped her find shoes and a coat, and brought her back to the van.
Looked at the clock again. 8:13. It takes about 25 minutes to get from our house to church. I calculated mentally that we would be ten minutes late, and announced it aloud to the kids. Oh well.
I drove out of town into a blanket of thick fog. No speeding on this trip. We made slow progress down the highway, through our neighboring town and into the parking lot at church. I parked, turned off the engine and checked the clock to see how late we were.
What? I was confused. I didn’t have time to think about it as we hurried to the check-in counter. The doors were still open. Other parents were in line checking in their kids. I walked to the service. I hadn’t missed anything, they were just starting. People were finding seats.
After church, a friend stopped me and gave me an envelope. It was a very generous donation for the adoption, which left me overwhelmed with gratitude. We talked about my fears that this might not ever actually happen. She encouraged me. I told her that when people make these comments of encouragement, I tuck them away in my mind and repeat them to myself. They keep me going. I appreciate those thoughts and words more than I can express.
We left church and stopped at the grocery store. We do this every week. We have a fairly predictable amount that we spend on food. We shop at the same stores and buy what we need for the week, and it seems that no matter how frugal I try to be, this amount is what we always spend. I noticed that we were picking up more than we usually do on this trip. I warily added a few items to the cart that were more expensive than I was comfortable with. I thought about how we shouldn’t be spending money on non-essentials right now while we are saving for a baby. By the end of our trip, our cart was full. Piled to the top. Mounded above the sides. Plus stuff underneath. I started to worry about the total. We had made healthy choices, but it was a lot.
The cashier announced my total, and it was only 60% of what we usually spend. I was pleasantly surprised, but I didn’t have time to think about it. We loaded up the back of the van and started to drive home.
The kids chattered for the first part of the trip and then quieted down. I became absorbed in my own thoughts and started puzzling over the events of the morning.
How did we get to church on time? That didn’t make sense. It’s 13 miles from town border to town border on the highway. And I had to drive THROUGH both towns in addition to that section of highway to get to church. There’s no way I could have left home at 8:13 and arrived at 8:26. Thirteen minutes. Was I driving crazy fast? No, I couldn’t have been. It was foggy and I was having a hard time seeing the road in front of me.
How was our grocery bill so small? The back of my van was loaded with groceries. Some of them pretty big ticket items. Never before have I been surprised at how SMALL the grocery bill was.
The fact that we made it to church on time was so strange that I worked on it like a hairy math problem for several miles, checking the clock on the van against the time on my iPhone, calculating and recalculating, until I literally said to myself “That does NOT make sense. It’s not POSSIBLE!”
Instantly, the words of the song playing on the radio broke into my consciousness.
“Even the impossible is your reality.
Jesus I believe. Help my unbelief.”
I almost started laughing. I couldn’t stop the grin from spreading across my face. I said out loud, “Wow.”
When we arrived at home, I burst into the house and excitedly told Jason what had happened, prefacing it with “This is going to sound crazy, and you’re probably going to think I’m nuts, but…”
But it didn’t sound that crazy when I said it out loud. It kinda made sense. What are the two things that Jason and I feel like are out of our control right now? The two things that we are having to trust God completely in?
They are out of our control. But they certainly aren’t out of God’s control. Why couldn’t he manipulate time and numbers in a cool science-fictiony way? I’ve been begging for reassurance that he will provide for this adoption. And that it will really happen. Wouldn’t it be awesome if this is the way he chose to answer those prayers?
“Hey, look! I’m in control of these things. You can quit worrying about them. I love you.”
(P.S. I made that same trip later today. I timed it. I confess that I was speeding. Forgive me. I left at 3:51. Pulled into the church parking lot at 4:13.